The constant struggle of an over thinker

I love you and I’m so afraid 

It’s like a darkness constantly creeping in 

A haze, that gets thicker and thicker

Until all I can see is the worry 

All that is there is the blind panic 

That I’ll say something wrong and make you mad 

That I’ll ask you if we’re okay one too many times 

Till you’re annoyed and you’ve had enough 

I’m terrified, that maybe they were right 

Maybe my inner voice is right 

I’m too difficult to love 

I mess up too much 

I’m too complicated 

And needy 

And overwhelming

And you’re going to finally feel it

And leave. 

I’m afraid to ask for reassurance, 

I don’t want to be annoying, 

so I don’t.

And the fear grows.

But you see, it’s a cycle where

Neither choice has a positive outcome. 

So round and round I go on this nightmare of a ride 

But somewhere deep,

In the center of my guarded heart, 

There’s this frightful sliver of hope that maybe you could 

Potentially 

Love me enough to never feel that way. 

To never give up, 

Or call it quits. 

But I’m also petrified because - 

I don’t know how to tell if you love me that much 

I don’t even know if it’s possible to love me that much. 

After all, I’m too hard to love. 

An Undervalued Courage

It takes a daring woman to see the strength
of remaining soft in a hard world.
To love like you've never been hurt,
when your heart has been broken many times.
I think the greatest act of bravery is to recognize that
loving someone makes you vulnerable,
but refusing to stop.
To be courageous enough
to look that vulnerability in the face and say
"I will not back down,
no matter how many times you try to stop me
I will love boldly."
is a power few people possess.

so many questions and no answers

Is it worth it?
What if I hold myself back and you don't realize how much I want this to work?
Is it worth it?
Could this finally be the time I fall, and he catches me?
Is it worth it?
If not, will I be able to pick myself up AGAIN and start over?
Is it worth it?
Is letting myself fall in love another bad choice, or a good one?
Is it worth it?
Can I pour out my thoughts and feelings without being afraid of the repercussions?
Is it worth it?

The trouble is - there's only one way to find out.

when you can't sleep because the voices and memories won't stop. get it all out on paper.

"those" days

when i think of you
i'm drowning
sinking into an icy pit
of sorrow
suffocating
in repressed silence

- jainedoe

To my Anxiety

Why do you always tear at me,
like claws removing flesh?
Yet hide behind the guise of help
like you're putting "lies" to death?
We both know you're the liar,
the accuser and the fraud.
Falsifying honesty and truth
playing at god.
I've never heard a good thing from you,
you've only ever held me back;
put me down, picked me apart,
acquainted me with what I lack.
You question everything I do
until I'm feeling sick.
You keep me up, won't let me rest
till my heart's a hefty brick.
You take the fear I feel
and magnify it so immense
I swear I'll spiral down forever,
drown in horror so intense;
that when I finally get a chance to breathe
a clear moment in the storm -
I grasp at sudden clarity
before you're back to misinform.
I'm tired of this battle,
endless barrage of guilt and pain.
Quit stealing good things in my life
and flushing them down the drain.
I'm quite aware you'll never leave.
this is always how it's been.
But I'm getting better every day
at not letting you win.

- jainedoe

Three Wishes

If I had three wishes, I'd wish the whole world blind.
That poverty and hunger befall all of humankind.
That every creature lose the thing their heart adores the most.
That every strength and skill be taken so no mouth can try to boast.
I'd bid each individual be lost - a lonely, yearning soul.
That every body be taken ill, let diseases take their toll.
Let fires burn and floods abound - loose nature on us all.
Drop every mortal to their knees; let every human fall.
And when we all have had enough, when each heart can understand
I'd wish it all away again, reach out and touch a hand.
For once you've lost your sight, what does color even mean?
And once you feel the pain of hunger, once your body's been unclean,
once you've begged and gotten nothing, eaten garbage you could find -
is it really very difficult to give time, money, be KIND?
When your heart's been intimate with deepest grief and sorrow
It's easy sharing hope with one another for tomorrow
Once we truly understood, another person's pain
Our response could be so different, we could finally break hate's chain.
In place of rage or judgement, instead of greed or apathy
I'd wish us all a loving heart, compassion, grace, and empathy.

-jainedoe