when you can't sleep because the voices and memories won't stop. get it all out on paper.

"those" days

when i think of you
i'm drowning
sinking into an icy pit
of sorrow
suffocating
in repressed silence

- jainedoe

To my Anxiety

Why do you always tear at me,
like claws removing flesh?
Yet hide behind the guise of help
like you're putting "lies" to death?
We both know you're the liar,
the accuser and the fraud.
Falsifying honesty and truth
playing at god.
I've never heard a good thing from you,
you've only ever held me back;
put me down, picked me apart,
acquainted me with what I lack.
You question everything I do
until I'm feeling sick.
You keep me up, won't let me rest
till my heart's a hefty brick.
You take the fear I feel
and magnify it so immense
I swear I'll spiral down forever,
drown in horror so intense;
that when I finally get a chance to breathe
a clear moment in the storm -
I grasp at sudden clarity
before you're back to misinform.
I'm tired of this battle,
endless barrage of guilt and pain.
Quit stealing good things in my life
and flushing them down the drain.
I'm quite aware you'll never leave.
this is always how it's been.
But I'm getting better every day
at not letting you win.

- jainedoe

Three Wishes

If I had three wishes, I'd wish the whole world blind.
That poverty and hunger befall all of humankind.
That every creature lose the thing their heart adores the most.
That every strength and skill be taken so no mouth can try to boast.
I'd bid each individual be lost - a lonely, yearning soul.
That every body be taken ill, let diseases take their toll.
Let fires burn and floods abound - loose nature on us all.
Drop every mortal to their knees; let every human fall.
And when we all have had enough, when each heart can understand
I'd wish it all away again, reach out and touch a hand.
For once you've lost your sight, what does color even mean?
And once you feel the pain of hunger, once your body's been unclean,
once you've begged and gotten nothing, eaten garbage you could find -
is it really very difficult to give time, money, be KIND?
When your heart's been intimate with deepest grief and sorrow
It's easy sharing hope with one another for tomorrow
Once we truly understood, another person's pain
Our response could be so different, we could finally break hate's chain.
In place of rage or judgement, instead of greed or apathy
I'd wish us all a loving heart, compassion, grace, and empathy.

-jainedoe

One of my favorites

The Ultimate Deception

When I cry alone in bed each night
I think back on those secrets shared.
I knew together we were right
because his words showed that he cared.

He whispered soft and safe the things
I never thought I'd hear.
"I'll protect your heart" he sings,
So sweetly in my ear.

And so, despite my fear and doubt
I fall - hard and fast.
For that's what love is all about
and he promised it would last.

Family - he wanted it with me!
He wove the tale so well
that my trusting eyes didn't see
I wasn't bound for heaven but hell.

I fell, I broke, I died inside
I don't see me in my reflection.
I could say it's your fault - you lied.
But really, I believed the ultimate deception.


      -jainedoe

Closed Windows

I've heard it said
that when it rains it pours;
but that when life closes a window,
it's to open up new doors.
And yet, in spite of what's ahead
I fear my heart's holding me back.
I do not wish to go through doors
when all I see is black.
The colors that I used to see
so vivid and so bright,
I now know are the cruelest lies
when brought into the light.
It seems the pieces of my heart
I gave away are all but lost.
Frozen behind closed windows
where the sunlight turned to frost.

                 - jainedoe